I’ve come quite a ways … but have a ways to go
It has been a year and seven months since I declared myself a business owner and photographer. Of course in the beginning, I wouldn’t really call myself a photographer - just a girl starting out doing something she really loved. I jumped right in; that is usually how I do things. Its not always the best way to do things. You learn more things the hard way. However, you’re not on the couch saying, “I should do that”. I didn’t go to school for photography. I totally wish I would have. (But who doesn’t have some other thing they wish they went to school for?) But I didn’t. So I’ll just teach myself right. It is something I love and looks doable - not hard like other stuff. pshhh! Ya, ok Kate … WRONG! But it was a good kind of hard. It doesn’t feel like it at times, but if you’re doing something you’re really into, its not as hard to suffer to the top, because it IS something you’re into.
My first session I charged Lindsay and her siblings $30 for their photo session. They were so sweet to give me a chance. I was so thankful. Then there was my church. They have always believed in me and in my work. Even when I thought it sucked, they loved it. But then again that’s how it usually goes. haha! Then another family would ask and another would see their photos and ask and it was going pretty good. I spent lots of time on the internet - some well spent, some not. The time well spent was watching photography tutorials or reading blogs and learning from others, looking at equipment and reading reviews. But the time ill spent was the extreme of the time well spent - looking at professional photographers and comparing my work, then hating myself and my work or flipping through web pages of equipment hating that Starbucks would never be able to fund this expensive side job I so wanted. It was when I started comparing that things started looking down … I’ve learned how dangerous of a place that is to go.
I’ve never been good at celebrating small victories. My husband is so positive. He has been a constant support. As well as my Mom and Step-Dad, who actually funded my first camera and lens - the investors. Also, my friend Jeff Bannan. He studied photography in college. He has given me advice, knowledge, opportunities and had so much patience with me as I grow and learn. It has been so comforting to find someone else in the business that I can bounce ideas off of - someone willing to share their photography wisdom with me. Not all photographers are as forthcoming. Usually the ones you’d totally die to learn from are the busiest. But their are some with an online presence who, though they are across the country, have impacted my career in such a powerful way with their own great work, tips, and experience. Jasmine Star is one of those photographers for me.
I hit more of stride last fall, when Jeff let me borrow one of his awesome lenses and I started learning to shoot in manual mode. I had the power to choose exactly what I wanted the photo to look like, focus on, and say. I had a little more confidence. But much of the time, I lack the confidence that I so desire - that would truly change the way I shoot. My whole life I’ve struggled with fear of man - with this need to please people. If you really know me though I often have these little moments where I’ve got attitude and really stand up for what I think or say what I want. That’s the confident me that’s dying to just be. I think my husband thinks its cute. But it drives me nuts that I can’t just be confident, that all too often I allow others to dictate my words, actions, even my work as a photographer - I let it stifle my creativity and my ability to lead a photo session. I know a lot confidence comes with time, the more I learn the more confident I’ll feel with my camera and then the more I can truly direct and lead a photo session without worrying about this or that - but I also know so much of it will come when I find my identity in Jesus and nothing else.
I have a friend, Adam Hundley who is working on a music project entitled Identity. I watched his promo video yesterday and was so struck by the freedom he spoke of when we just let Jesus claim our attention instead of being defined by our job, looks, abilities or relationships. I want that and I pray for that often. You can pray for me to - I would love it. But getting back to photography. This little blurp of weakness came about the middle of May this year. “Maybe I won’t do photography any more” “Maybe I’ll just shoot for free - its not as much pressure” “Maybe I’m just not cut out for this - you have to be so multi-talented.” This came right before/in the middle of when I shot some of my best work. That work included the wedding of one of my sweetest friends, Alissa. I had just come off of shooting another wedding and was NOT feeling very confident getting ready for hers. But her whole wedding day Alissa kept telling me “I’m SO glad you’re here with me and shooting my wedding, these pictures are gonna be so great. Thank you.” I can NOT tell you the confidence boost that was. I wish she could come with me to all my shoots. But that kind of encouragement is not something I would ever expect from my clients. Yet, that confidence is totally what they deserve.
I have a part-time job at a chiropractic office. I assist patients after they are adjusted, giving them ice/heat, stimulation or ultrasounds - fun right … eh. However, the perk of my job is the people I meet and talk to. The rehab floor is a different kind of gym environment - its like gym meets coffee shop, without the hot beverages. So I get to know a lot of patients. One in particular, used to be a wedding photographer himself - in the stone ages of film photography. (side note: So glad I live in the digital age, I would not have the skill or patience to work with film). Recently he told me, “Kate, I don’t know you that well, but what I’ve picked up from our talk about photography is that you are afraid to fail.” I don’t know if my mouth dropped open or if I wanted to slap him in the face - but I knew he was right. I’ve kind of always known this, but its different when someone calls you out. He got me. I really do fear failure. I often get tunnel vision - negative tunnel vision- and it would take a lot to pull me out - kind of like that slap in the face that he gave me.
So I’ve realized and know that this is no overnight change of a success story. It will be something that Jesus has to work out in me, that I must submit to and make conscious efforts to do - for FREEDOM! for Jesus glory! for my business! and for my life! Starting with small things like recognizing where I’ve come from. Here are some old photos compared with new photos. I’ve come quite a ways … but have a ways to go.
and then I got a little better …
I even tried some different kinds of shoots: Baby Bump and Trash/Glam the Dress!
